The Clown and the Assassins
by DrFrankenburger
Summary: A short piece looking at the idea of Lord Vetinari seeking to employ the Fools' Guild for purposes other than simply entertainers and body doubles.


1 The Clown and the Assassins.

I apologize for the placing of the footnotes. I'm still getting the hang of this.

Disclaimer:

Please note: Discworld and its locations and characters etc. are the property of the estate of the late Sir Terry Pratchett and his heirs. This story is written for entertainment only and I claim no commercial interest in it.

Note:

It occurred to me that there might be reasons beyond throwaway gags as to why The Guild of Fools and Joculators changed their routines so rarely, that there might also be a reason beyond coulrophobia why its members would be frightening, and why '...a Fool is faithful unto death...' (Wyrd Sisters.)

The clock in Lord Vetinari's outer office ticked its unnerving irregular and seemingly random tick. The two men who had just been shown in by contingents of the Palace Guard ignored it. Both were major players in Ankh – Morpork politics and were used to it.

'The lads who fetched me had the sense not to prod an Assassin, Doctor Whiteface, but from the state of the ones who were with you...' Lord Downey sniffed the air, 'you had more than one surprise ready for them.'

'New boys, still on the learning curve. At least their superior allowed them to stand down and go for a wash. That new stink of Boffo's might take a lot more scrubbing out than the whitewash will.' The speaker, Doctor Whiteface, head of the Guild of Fools and Joculators allowed himself a rare small smile of satisfaction at a minor victory.

Dr Whiteface wore the regalia of his position in society. The ignorant might find the costume of the Chief Clown amusing. Until they realized that his expression beneath the greasepaint belied the painted smile and that this clown was deadly serious. The only Clown allowed to be Serious in Motley in the presence of outsiders. **(1)**

Lord Downey wore customary Assassin black as a matter of course. Assassins are for hire, it pays to advertise. ( **1a)**

'Do come in gentlemen,' said Lord Vetinari, having opened the inner door to the Oblong Office unnoticed. He ushered them in. 'Do take a seat, I apologise for the wait but I have given Drumknott the morning off for the purpose of this meeting. I wish to keep matters between the three of us for now, as a favour to Dr Whiteface. I may need to employ members of his guild on matters other than entertainment, and the purpose of this meeting is to keep you in the loop Donald, and for our Chief Clown to brief you on why such engagements are not foolish, as distinct from Foolish. Doctor Whiteface, you have the floor.'

 **(1)** Generally real clowns regard Serious in Motley (performance costume) to be an infraction of professional standards and a disciplinary offence. Dr Whiteface is allowed to do this and get away with it. Clowns can be unnerving when performing. Think how scary he must be.

 **(1a)** Same thing with the Fools. The two neighbouring guilds have more in common than they like to admit. In one the course of dynasties can be decided. The other is the Assassins' Guild.

2

Dr Whiteface began to deliver what appeared to be a digest from a private Guild history lecture.

'What I am about to paraphrase for you is Holy Writ in my Guild. It is recorded in _The Bumper Book of Fun,_ that Hoki the Jokester, not long after beginning his long exile from Dunmanifestin, inhabiting a more or less human - seeming avatar, realized that some of his material could get up peoples' noses. And I don't just mean stray custard from a pie in the face. And when they are annoyed, people can get _inventive._

To spare himself the tender caress of tar, feathers, boots, fists, or from more fundamental approaches such as spikes up the backside (some humans, he was surprised to learn, took physical humour even further than he was willing to. Not surprising to us, since gods prefer believers to seek knowledge of the god rather than bothering with studying how believers tick,) he devised ways of fighting his way out of sticky situations.

He could have simply manifested his divine status, but with Blind Io still angry with him, he filed that under the heading of Really Bad Idea. That would only likely attract lightning bolts. OK that wouldn't kill him but it would hurt. And the effect on believers had to be taken into account. Belief and knowledge are not the same. Surviving a lightning bolt might give the game away to any witness, and he'd lose a believer who'd then become 'someone in the know' a _gnostic._ **(2)** Gnostics provide no power of belief to gods, which could explain why they are far from keen on the concept. It's OK for a believer to seek knowledge of a god, but actually _finding_ it presents a problem.

As a travelling comedic performer, it was obvious that he'd have to adapt his routines in such a way that they would serve his purpose, leaving the real possibility that those he escaped had simply been bested by a talented clown/jester with a robust sense of humour, capable of making them the butt of their companions' mirth at the same time.

Thus he devised the art of _Sloshi,_ Battle – Clowning.

There are relatively few in the Guild who study the Art, but considering how many of us there are, that is a lot of men capable of delivering a Killing Joke.

We fully understand your use of the Assassins my Lord, but you are doubtless aware that if you wish to employ us in similar roles, conflicts of interest may arise with members of our own Guild placed in the establishments of persons who attract your scrutiny.'

'I am aware of the problem, it arose with employment of the Assassins.' Vetinari's countenance retained its usual urbane demeanour. 'The Fools have been around a long time. I hope you can avoid the unseemly bidding wars that have been known to complicate such conflicts of interest in Lord Downey's Guild.'

Dr Whiteface had an answer. 'Seniority has a lot to do with it. We prefer to avoid _droit de mortis,_ even the wizards have lately stopped doing it and _'Dead men's giant floppy boots'_ lacks a certain style as a catchphrase. Generally the more junior Fool yields to the more senior, unless there are written instructions from myself to do otherwise. Fools' Prattle may also pass for a script or even be one.'

 **(2)** Based on my own understanding of Roundworld Gnosticism which appears to have been a form of quasi – Zen Christianity, whose insistence that salvation be achieved through a (higher) knowledge (Gnosis), strikes me as remarkably similar to the Enlightenment of Buddhists. I've twisted it a bit for comic effect.

3

'I understand there are other customs of the Fools' Guild that we have not yet covered in this briefing Doctor.' Vetinari's tone was gently questioning. It didn't have to be anything else.

'Indeed My Lord, the Guild is often involved with the political activities of the establishments who have hired Guild members. Members are 'loyal unto death' but we never usually specify _whose_

death that is. We provide counsel for our employers, who will accept satire, advice or even admonishment from their Fool which they would never take from one of the more powerful members of their household. I even had a report from one of our people whose aristocratic employer said the Fool wasn't being sharp enough with him. The Fool remains loyal so long as that employer lives. And may prove to be a covert bodyguard, as per what we have discussed about _Sloshi_.'

'I take it that you also employ teachers of Political Theory and Practice as we do,' Lord Downey interjected quietly. **(3)**

 **'** Indeed we do My Lord, though the Teachers' Guild ensures that there is not a crossover of assigned teachers of those subjects, as they are also concerned to avoid conflicts of interest between their members.' Dr Whiteface then resumed his briefing.

'You will be aware King Verence II of Lancre is a graduate of the Fools' Guild. Much is made of his distaste for his time at the Guild, though his assiduous pursuit of his studies here mean that it would be unwise to dismiss him as no more than a Clown Prince. He graduated Bladder of Honour and his followers include witches and a _literate_ clan of the Nac Mac Feegle. **(3a)**

He mastered the patter we used so well that when he wants to, he can openly communicate with the most senior Lords of Misrule whilst outsiders think he's talking (or writing) gibberish. He doesn't often check in, as it's true that he dislikes the Guild, but he remains a fee paying member and provides reports based on his experience of putting his Politics studies into practice. His notes on the territorial instincts and habits of unreformed vampires when coupled with modern thinking were very useful. We have ensured they were circulated to all licensed Fools in and around Uberwald. **(3b)**

The Guild of Fools has a man in almost every court, castle, chancellery and mansion. Even embassies have been known to hire us. I know you endeavour to keep the peace Lord Vetinari, so do we. I assume that you would wish to call upon our diplomatic skills as well as our more practical ones. King Verence is an example of what can be achieved. He takes an idiosyncratic approach to government but his little kingdom works.'

'Thank you Doctor.' Vetinari appeared about to ask a question or make a point of his own.

 **(3)** The Teachers' Guild divide these into three subjects, Theory (how it's meant to work,) Practice (how it does work) and Expediency (what you can get away with.)

 **(3a)** This is how Dr Whiteface sees it. Things are a bit more complicated than that in Lancre, as detailed in Sir Terry's _Wyrd Sisters_ , _Lords and Ladies_ and _Carpe Jugulum_.

 **(3b)** Dr Whiteface may also have used the information to gain favours from Lady Margolotta Von Uberwald, but he wouldn't tell the others that. **(3c)**

 **(3c)** Vetinari and Downey probably suspect this anyway, but Whiteface derives a slight advantage because he _knows._

4

'I understand that the internal enforcers of the Fools' Guild are quite formidable behind all the slapstick. Their martial arts training being a key to that, I must assume. However, I can see that a stealthy approach would be problematical in seeking to take an erring client to task.'

Doctor Whiteface promptly fielded the implied question.

'Actual slights against Guild members from clients are rare as nobody wants a visit from the Bloody Fools any more than they would from the Agony Aunts **(4)** ,reputation and making a showofthings can help. However sometimes one of our members is unjustly treated by some lord who allows authority to go to his head. The recent business in near Uberwald with a werewolf Baron's deadly low bite and a Fool's figgin **(4a)** comes to mind, a situation we took very seriously and did something about. It wasn't a contracted inhumation, so there was no usurpation of Guild demarcation. And our Dark Humour specialist's use of silver threaded ladies' stockings would have lacked the stylish approach of the Gentlemen.' **(4b)**

Lord Downey took a turn to speak.

'It would appear we have a number of skills in common Doctor Whiteface, though under those circumstances what happened came under the heading of making a point, and inhumation with extreme prejudice would not have conveyed that point properly, though I understand that knife throwing is definitely a skill we all have in common. It is no secret that we are all armed and that Lord Vetinari does not bother with bodyguards due to his Assassin training. Each of us carries six knives, one in each boot, one at each wrist and one at each hip. Do you follow this practice Doctor ?'

'I carry ten gentlemen, six in the same places as yourselves.'

After the meeting had been concluded to Vetinari's satisfaction, neither of the trained Assassins ever forgot the Chief Clown's embarrassed expression showing through the greasepaint as he had said,

'In deference to my profession, the other four are down my trousers.'

 **(4)** These Agony Aunts are Seamstresses' Guild enforcers. They don't write newspaper advice columns.

 **(4a)** A figgin is a teacake isn't it ? Am I missing something here ?

 **(4b)** Canny readers with long memories will understand the Roundworld reference here. No further details will be disclosed. Parental discretion is advised.

Author's note:

I meant this story to be just a few hundred words and a couple of gags, but the characters got away from me and did as they darn well pleased. Reviews would be very welcome.

Coulrophobia: An irrational fear of clowns.


End file.
